Why is it so difficult to set boundaries as an HSP or Empath?
So many of us HSP parents have a difficult time setting boundaries with our time, energy, and the people around us. As parents, we already put a great deal of our time and energy into caring for our children, leaving precious little left over for other people.
Many HSPs struggle with poor boundaries with their time and energy. We often say “yes” when we want to say “no,” and then end up with packed schedules or situations that don’t feel right to us. Additionally, many of us “let things slide” in suboptimal relationships, since it is uncomfortable for us to potentially upset or disappoint others.
Unfortunately, when we have poor boundaries, we end up being sucked dry by the needs and emotions of others, with no time or energy left to tend to ourselves. As parents, we are particularly susceptible to this overload and subsequent exhaustion. Parenthood is relentless, and requires us to give much of ourselves each and every day.
Why do we do this? A few reasons:
Almost all HSPs are Empaths: we notice and feel the emotions of others deeply. We are likely to see when those around us are suffering or needing something, and we are tempted to fill those needs ourselves. Too easily, we forget that we are just one person, and that we cannot take away the pain of everyone around us.
We want to avoid the discomfort of disappointing others. In the short term, avoiding setting boundaries or saying no feels more comfortable! It is hard to say “No, thanks” or “Not right now” to a person or cause that we care about. We don’t want to be perceived as cold or unfeeling—which is truly the opposite of who we are!
We may inadvertently believe that setting boundaries or saying “no” is unkind or wrong. Perhaps our upbringing or belief system taught us to “go go go” at all costs, leading us to believe that resting is “lazy” or “bad.” Or perhaps we have had an experience in which we set a boundary in a personal relationship–say, canceling a hangout with a friend because we were tired–and were made to feel bad about doing so. Perhaps it is time to examine if you hold either of these false beliefs, and take steps to let them go.
Above all, know you are not alone in having a hard time setting boundaries. This isn’t something to feel bad about; in fact, it reflects that you are a caring and empathetic person! But, if you’re anything like me, you could probably redirect some of your empathy and energy back to yourself, so that your beautiful way of being–caring, being fully present–is sustainable.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts! Drop a line in the comments below if you’d like, and don’t forget to read the next couple of blogs in this series! I’ll be sharing affirmations and specific how-tos around boundary-setting, especially for Highly Sensitive and Empath parents.
written by Amy Lajiness, HSP Parent Coach and Educator
